Lump in My Throat

I consider myself a very emotional person... not that you'll know it by looking at me. I won't cry on your shoulder, don't worry. I was raised to tune in to other people's feelings and emotions. It can be draining and it can be great too because I am able to help people through some tough times. It's a great thing to be able to feel people out. A huge downside is knowing other people's suffering and not being able to do anything about it to really ease their pain. The other down-down side is being able to tell when people think I'm an idiot...

I know what a lump in the throat feels like... when you feel someone's pain. You're not going to cry but if you were alone and no one was there to catch you with huge tears streaming down your face you'd be bawling.... Sometime in October, something made me put my hand up behind my ear in that nook that meets the neck - right by my throat. It was a hard, tender lump. I had to keep feeling it to check if it was really there. I compared it to the other side. It was definitely there.

My family doctor, Dr. B., basically smirked at me when I came into his office with my obviously worried face on. He told me it was probably a swollen lymph node. "You've been sick lately, haven't you?" He asked rhetorically, "a sore throat, fever?"

"No." I replied, "I'm worried it could be something bad...."

My doctor looked me in the eyes and said, "What are you worried about? You think you have Cancer?" Pause. Well, isn't that what 99% of people worry about when they feel a lump growing in what should be a lump-free zone? "Well, you can stop worrying. If it doesn't go away in two weeks or if it gets any bigger come back and I'll order a blood test."

So I left his office and waited two weeks. Based on the fact that I'm still talking about this now, 3 months later, you can guess where my story is going. No the lump didn't go away. It got bigger. When I went back to see my doctor again he wasn't at all concerned. He made me feel like I was an alarmist fool wasting his time when he could be treating the world's real sick people. He told me to stop worrying about nothing. This time, his smirk and condescending reassurances left me ticked. I ignored his "advice" and booked an appointment with the Ear Nose and Throat doctor (ENT).

The ENT took my case seriously and sent me for an ultrasound which confirmed that I have a significant tumor growing in my right parotid and a smaller tumor in my left. Next week I'm having a needle biopsy to find out what my deal is.

I know how to Google so yes, I know that 80% of parotid tumors are benign though most need to be surgically removed. I also know that the blood test offered by my doctor would not have provided any insight. I have read every possible medical text available about parotid tumors and swollen lymph nodes. I could possibly diagnose you if you'd let me. So my question to my doctor is, did they not teach you the basics on how to examine a patient presenting with a lump in their neck???? When I get the results of my biopsy... whatever they might be, I plan to present them to my doctor along with a lesson in Googling. I think Google will make him a better doctor than he is today... well unless it's Cancer - and then I'll have to decide whether or not I should sue his arrogant a$$....

A Hermit in Hibernation Ventures Out

It's funny how the world has changed... you can almost live a completely normal life without Human interaction. You can pay your bills and order groceries on-line. You can stay home almost 24-7 and still have full communication via Skype with people all over the world. My own personal life is rich with second-to-second updates about the lives of people I feel close to by virtue of our Facebook friendship, blogs, Twitter, and the like. Typing from my new MacBook Pro in my fully wireless house, I feel fully connected to the outside world. It only took a brief step out into the real reality to make me realize what a sheltered hermit I've become.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. In November, my brother, M., e-mailed me a very cool birthday gift - dinner for two - at a fancy steak place on the top of the Azrieli mall in Tel Aviv. DH and I decided to have a dinner out... he works a short drive from there so I took the train. Leaving was daunting. With my mom as the babysitter, I was able to take a deep breath and make a run for it, skipping out with all 5 kids still awake. My nerves got me to the train station about 20 minutes too early and I had plenty of time to sit and observe the other passengers boarding... each with their Smartphones and wired devices... each speaking loudly to various people in cyberspace and texting and listening to music, and watching movies. During the 50 minute ride I heard the Seinfeld theme and at least 10 different cellphone ringtones. I overheard a conversation about a runnaway soldier and an anorexic aunt with Cancer. I heard a woman curse and tell off some poor soul for butting into her business.... I only wished I'd had the foresight to bring my ipod on board to block out the bombardment of conversations and noise in the train compartment. After 20 minutes I got up and moved to the front train car.... up where the engines apparently are because it was so loud I could barely hear my own phone ring when my DH called to let me know he was on his way. The compartment was empty except for an armed guard and a large family. 5 or 6 young children chirped and chattered and even fussed and cried - it was familiar noise and it made me smile.

When I arrived at the station in the mall I felt like I'd arrived at a different country. Suddenly I felt like an alien! Adults and teens bustled about. People shopping. People talking on their mobile devices. What are all these hundreds of people doing out on a Tuesday night? While waiting for the elevator, a woman cradling a crying newborn and pushing an empty baby carriage looked around frantically... she asked me if I knew of a quiet place where she could sit and feed her baby. Certainly not in the train station. Not in the mall and not in the elevator. How about home? I saw an empty bench through the glass walls of the elevator on the other side of the mall and helped the new mother maneuver her carriage out of the elevator.

I made it to the restaurant and my DH and I had a magnificent meal.

In my next post I'll tell you about my adventure to the movie theater... VIP tickets. Ben & Jerrys. Champagne and chocolate.... and I fell asleep! Oops, guess there won't be much to tell.

I love my quiet life....