Thank You For Your Prayers

It's High Holiday season in the Holyland right now. I don't think there's another way to describe this amazingly festive and spiritual time in words. For those of you outside of Israel, it's like X-mas season. The festivity is a constant in the air only it's very very hot here now... Like summer. After the holiest day of atonement, Yom Kippur, neighbors all around set out into their yards and porches and began to hammer away at their Sukkot. These are 2.5 to 4 walled structures with thatched roofs that we lavish and adorn with homemade and store bought decorations.

Sukkot is my favorite holiday. In 2001 it got even better with the birth of my first child, a daughter, A. and again the meaning of the holiday was intensified with the birth of our 4th child and 3rd daughter, H., in 2007. For the past few years, I've enjoyed having my family come and celebrate the holiday with us, including my parents and five brothers and their families. I'm so excited that everyone is coming to spend the Sukkot holiday with us this year too! We spent the day fussing with the Sukkah decorations and birthday rituals. My mom and sisters in law and brothers are preparing all the food so all I "had" to do was make the cupcakes with my birthday girls.

Today is day six after chemo. I'm still feeling nauseated and unwell but not down. I'll tell you what keeps me going... This. Being loved and supported and cared for by my friends and family and even complete strangers!

Our friends, the J.'s, came back from celebrating the Bar Mitzvah of their nephew with a tale to tell. They were praying at a synagogue in Carmiel, northern Israel, when they heard my name, Erika bat Chava Ehta, being called out during the blessing for healing of the sick. Our friends were curious who I knew up in the Carmiel so they went to find out what the connection was. It turns out that someone read my blog and decided to pray for me! Thank you for your prayers!

Coming Off Of Chemo

I received some great advice about sucking on ice chips from two sources and I'm here to report - AWESOME! After my first chemotherapy treatment just over 3 weeks ago, I suffered pretty badly from a terrible metallic taste and painful ulcers in my mouth... In addition to the nausea. Not a fun combo. My friend, who happens to be an MD, Sorcha, and a different friend who happens to also be going through chemo shared the ice secret with me and I've got to ask, why didn't the chemo nurses tell me? It's made such a huge difference! I've also been gargling with salt water as my friend, E. A.,told me to do. Tfu, tfu, tfu. So far so good.

Coming off of chemotherapy is obviously not pleasant. The first day or two carries me over with the supportive "cocktail" drugs including steroids and anti-nausea meds. It seems like days 3 and 4 are the least friendly. It's like being in a flu-ish fog with waves of nausea, headache, and faintness.

I'm just so happy that my mouth feels normal! That's what I call being grateful for life's small pleasures and we'll leave it at that.

Making Honey for the New Year

I came to the hospital with a chip on my shoulder today. Sad, scared and anxious.

I secured the loneliest bed in the corner of the most distant room because I didn't want to make small talk and I wanted my space. We turned off the lights and enjoyed the silence.

Moments after settling down in my peaceful corner, a very loud crowd joined me in "my" private room. A bald and strained woman took a bed, subsequently, her family went about turning on all the lights, speaking loudly on their cellphones and taking every spare chair on the ward. I asked gently for them to please make less noise. The lady reacted very angrily to me. She started yelling that that she doesn't feel well and that I'm an "elite Ashkenazi with protektzia" and she's going to write a formal letter of complaint about me....

Verging on tears, I got up from my bed, came over to the lady and smiled at her and said, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. You're my sister and I'm yours. I hope you get well soon" and I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. She squealed, "Aiy! Your hands are so cold! Just like mine!" I told her that we both are having chemo and we're both feeling the same things." she immediately started blessing me and wishing me well! I felt so relieved that the energy in the room immediately changed to peaceful! I'll have to remember that.

No Bravery Today

Today, I woke up to my crying baby girl... Who's not a baby anymore because she had to "get big" and start pre-school so her mother could go to chemotherapy.

I had my chemo bag packed: iPad- check! Medical file - check! Chemo quilt - check! All I needed to do this morning was pack 5 lunches for my five and get everything in a row before leaving the house at 7 am... And write notes to the 3 big kid's teachers about today's schedule. And get the kids breakfast. And clean up after our bleeping dog. And pack ice to prevent the mouth sores. And get myself some breakfast. And brush my teeth. And... We ran out of time and we left later than we should have. And, no, I didn't eat breakfast. Yes, I brushed my teeth!

Right now, I'm sitting on a hospital bed waiting. I hurried out. I felt terrible about the rush and yet, here I sit waiting after moving through the elbows and the nerves of all the other cancer patients. Waiting for my drugs to arrive. At least I have a nice bed. Alone with my DH. Could've been a romantic date, I guess, if not for... Ya know, the chemo, the stress, the rush, leaving my kids at that early hour, and honestly feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I hate feeling teary-eyed and weepy - and guilty for feeling it because I'm so freaking blessed and lucky to be here on this earth and all that.

I'm not brave and I'm not so cool today guys.... The day is young, who knows?

Countdown to Chemo

I'm not alone in dreading my next chemotherapy treatment; my dear husband is too. I'm pretty sure that every person who goes through chemo does what I'm doing now - counting down the days. I felt almost normal and energetic for an entire week yet this Monday, I have to go back for more chemo-juice, and I know it's going to feel not-so-great afterwards and that's how we know the drugs are working to fight or kill the nasty cancer monsters.

After my first session of Taxol and Carboplatin, I felt fine for a couple of days and then I experienced nausea and mouth sores. The mouth sores are those wretched ulcers or canker sores that can drive you crazy with pain. A friend of mine, who went through chemo via her mother, suggested that I gargle with salt water throughout the day to prevent the mouth ulcers so I'm doing that this time!

My next treatment is a mere day before the eve of Yom Kippur, the holiest and most solemn day on the Jewish calender. It's also known as, The Day of Atonement. It's accompanied by a 25 hour fast and it's the final day of judgement, a time for closing arguments, the finalization of the Book of Life for the coming year; the verdict. It's so heavy and sobering. I don't know how I'm going to handle the issue of fasting this year. I have always fasted; in the past nearly 12 years, I've fasted while pregnant and breastfeeding.  I've been warned by quite a few people that chemotherapy patients aren't supposed to fast. I cannot imagine not fasting on the holiest day of the year so I'll have to ask my oncologist about it.

I look forward to hearing that final blast of the Shofar at the end of Yom Kippur and looking forward to a new year filled with blessings..... G-d willing.

Head Shaving Party

Last Saturday night (Sept. 15th), we had a head shaving party.  Friday morning, my hair was falling out in handfuls and by the end of the Sabbath, it was clear that it was time to jump in headfirst. After bumping into our good friend, and former neighbor, N.R., and blurting out that I was in need of a good clipper, he actually dropped his off at our house, but I was too squeamish to do the deed myself. My brother, Eli, offered to drive over after work on Friday to help me but I declined.

On Saturday night, it was time. Eli and Briana and my nephews were the first to arrive, followed by my brother, Levi, and his wife, Hadar, and son. We went outside on the front porch and without much waiting or chit-chat, it was like, ok, let the fun begin! It was pretty hilarious. It felt great to get it over with and have a comfortable bald head instead of an achy, molting one. Levi went next and we had fun giving him a mullet and then a mohawk! My DH, David, wanted to go next but I begged him not to... of course I like his hair but I also thought it might be too traumatic for our kids. The younger three were sleeping by this time. Our daughters, A. (nearly 11) and M. (9 and a half), were participating in the shenanigans which I encountered to be a positive and happy experience. My DH, brothers and their wives, who are truly the best sisters to me, made the occasion joyous.  We laughed, and joked. I don't feel ugly. I feel loved and beautiful in my baldness.

Being completely honest, counting down to the next chemo makes me sad. I wish I didn't have to. Cancer. Chemotherapy. It's painful and sick and just downright detestable. As long as I can enjoy, laugh, and celebrate, I'm going to do that no matter how weird it looks or seems. I feel lucky. I feel blessed. MOST OF ALL, I feel loved and that's a reason to party every single day. I guess next week won't be such a party... so, party while you can, right?

Happy New Year!

This evening marks the end of the year for millions of people. Tonight, Jewish people around the world will light candles as we welcome Rosh HaShana, the New Year on the Jewish calender. It is customary to greet others with: "L'shana Tova / Ketivah vi-chatima Tova." which means: "For a good year / You should be written and sealed in the good (Book of Life)."

In preparation for the holiday of Rosh Hashanah,  we ask forgiveness from anyone we may have hurt, insulted, or wronged during the previous year.  With the New Year, we also welcome a clean slate. 

So, I guess my write-up in last year's Book of Life was a bit sketchy. Obviously, I was written in the Book of Life because, hey, I'm still here but the timing of my diagnosis and beginning a journey where I'm actually fighting for my life is inscrutable and spiritually awakening. The Book is closing on the last year. I'm being handed a clean slate... and what will be written on that slate is still open for discussion. That's the situation for everyone. Same for you and same for me. As the pages were thinning and we neared the end of this year, my eyes were forced open. I'm sure I'm not alone in this awakening. Surely the highly spiritual and blessed are able to embrace this reality every year. I can only speak honestly and for myself when I say this New Year is different from any other I've ever experienced.  In the past I've worried and prayed for many different things. This year I'll be praying for health. Good health for myself and every member of my family, and for my friends.

Leading up to Rosh HaShana, is a time for introspection and self examination of the soul and purpose. I want to be a kinder person and share and reflect the kindness that has been and is being shown to me. What can I change or how can I grow and be better this year? It's a very "heavy" time.

I've mentioned that when I run, my mental state separates from my physical. I enter a different mindset and a different place. I don't feel or hear my feet or my stride and my thoughts are clearer and sounder. During the few runs I've had since beginning this Cancer Survivor Journey, I've thought a lot about how I'm going to greet cancer as a turning point. How is this going to change my life and how am I going to change how my life affects others, whether it be my closest circle or even beyond. Last night, after the Sabbath, and almost erev/the eve of Rosh HaShana, I went out on a run. My thoughts swirled around running together with as many people as I can gather or convince to agree to joining me... I've focused on the upcoming Jerusalem race in March which includes a full marathon, half marathon, or 10K. Many friends and family members have already agreed to walk or run with me. It's my dream to do it together with a charity to raise money for women and their families affected by cancer. I'd like to do this as a Cancer Survivor. I want to bring relief to families who are struggling through Cancer and I want to do it hand in hand with people affected by the disease... Survivors and their supporters. AND, I want those who lost a loved-one in the fight against Cancer to be able to participate in honor and in memory of their loved-ones. Having this goal is giving me so much energy and pleasure. Perhaps this isn't the most Orthodox vision for a New Year however, I hope I'll be able to pull it off. I hope so many of you will join me and celebrate and support Cancer Survivors and bring even more awareness to everything and everyone involved.

Good health is my new focus. It's not a simple cliche. Without health we have nothing. The greatest gift is the gift of life, and health. I wish every reader, every friend, every family member the gift of a clean slate filled with good health for the coming year! L'Refuah Shleimah kol Cholei Yisroel!

Shanah tova u'metuka! A good and sweet year to all!

Time to Get Real

Just back from an A W E S O M E run.

I was going to write something about it but I decided not to. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending time with a woman who was about to have her first chemotherapy treatment. She was explaining why it's so important to her to keep working at her job even through chemo and illness etc.. She said, "There's no cancer at work.". It took me a while to understand what she was talking about... at first I thought she was clarifying a legality; it's against the law to identify an employee as having cancer? Hmm, I wasn't aware of that law but sounds like a good one? It took me a while but I just got it.

One of the best parts about the experience of being out -alone- on a run is what goes on in my mind. My mental state disconnects from my physical state and I experience ideas and thought that I otherwise don't have availability for. It's wonderful.  It's just me, my Sauconys, and my music... and some water. There's no cancer on a run.

Ok, so I did write about running, oops.

Anyway, as I wet my cool short hairdo in the shower... clumps of hair started falling out, and I was like, ok, I better take a picture of this! It's happening! Good-bye hair. I think I might need to shave it before Shabbat to avoid pulling it out during the Sabbath. We shall see.

Next time I write, it's going to be about running.

Time to get real.

You Inspire Me

You inspire me. You're an inspiration. You're amazing. Do you know how many people have said that to me or about me since I became a Cancer Survivor? What have I done to earn any admiration? Really? I mean, maybe I got sick because I have a bad gene or a bad attitude or maybe it's just fate?  Maybe G-d just wanted to wake me up from my own monotony? I don't know. The cancer in me was spread just enough to make me a Stage 3 yet the miracle was that the surgeon was able to remove all visible signs of tumor... so I'm Cancer-free. I have to have chemotherapy to make sure any microscopic cancer is decimated, demolished... killed.

I'm blessed. G-d gives me a test and shows me unfathomable mercy. I have complete faith in G-d.

When I got sick, I cried out... to my family, to my friends, and my community. I wasn't quiet about it at all. I've been very very public. I cried out for help and every single person that I care about is here, in some way; giving. People that I know less well are also here. Giving. Reaching out. My family is constantly at my side, with me and holding me up. My friends and community are encircling me, my husband and our children.  We've received endless and selfless offers for support that I cannot even write about. How is it that I know SO MANY people who possess seemingly endless amounts of goodness and pure-hearted kindness?

So, I kind of look at myself and I have to ask, why do I inspire? Why do I seem "amazing"? I think I know the answer... I think it's because I'm going through an immensely painful life test right now, and I went public. You are all watching, not just watching but participating. The experience is mutual. The kindness, love, and prayers are all flowing and it's reflecting - radiating off of me somehow. I feel like I can open my eyes and see this miracle. You might think it's me that's inspiring... but I'm just the vessel. The inspiration is flowing because so many people; my family, friends, and good people of my community and beyond are kind and good.

You inspire me.

Survivor on the Run

my 1st run as a Survivor

The minute you have Cancer, you're either a Survivor or a Victim. Don't give me the statistics. Like my dad always says, ever since he became a Cancer Survivor over 7 years ago, "You're either in the100% or the zero%". So from now on, you can refer to me as a Cancer Survivor. 100 percent alive!

I used to run, I mean I used to run long distances and I've been meaning to do that again. My dad used to run with his chemotherapy pack attached to his port! You're never too sick to exercise and you're probably a lot better off with the adrenaline coursing through right along with the chemo-poison! I ran the Jerusalem half marathon two years in a row, I ran the San Diego half marathon, and the longest distance I ran was 35 kilometers straight with my dad when he was training for the Jordan Ultra-marathon.

I had not gone out running since my cancer diagnosis of July 22, 2012. Obviously, I've been feeling pretty bad. It peaked on the third and fourth days after chemo with severe nausea. I finally caved and went to see my family doctor and she gave me a prescription for, Pramin, which thankfully has really helped. I think I was under medicated on my first session of chemo and I plan to ask my oncologist about it and let him know how bad I felt.

After a glorious and restful day, with the holiness of the Sabbath still flowing, and the sweet scent of the Havdalah spices still in the air, I tied on my Sauconys and plugged into my music. I ran. I pounded the streets of my city with a new found joy. I cannot put into words how wonderful it felt to make my lungs burn and my muscles peform! I personally apologize to the residents of Ben Ze'ev street for my loud and off key rendition of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.

I'm not beating any records but I feel perfectly happy with my 5.48 kilometers and my 6.90 minute pace for now and who knows maybe I'll improve and maybe I won't but the main thing is to feel that alive feeling of a survivor on the run. I have felt sick and I've been a complete lump, laying around, not doing much of anything, feeling extremely nauseated by the smells of anything scented and foods - anything cooking... but this evening I feel sweaty and alive.

So, how you like them apples, Cancer?

A Chink in the Pink

It took a few days, but now I'm starting to really feel the effects of the chemotherapy drugs. I can handle tired, exhausted, fatigued. No problem at all. My hair starting to fall out; no biggie. The nausea is my nemesis. I know there are plenty of pregnant women who probably feel like this on a daily basis but for me it's the hardest physical part to handle so far.

I'm not going to dwell on it to much but I'll be honest - there's a chink in my pink armor today.

Waiting For the Other Shoe to Drop

Speaking of shoes... I actually have a new pair of hot pink Nikes, which I love! At size 11, you cannot find pink sneakers here, in Israel, so I'm really excited that my brother, Eli, got a pair for me in California! Between my very pink outfits, sneakers, and my chemo quilt, I'm Pink Ahava Emunah! I love my pink....

Sunday and Monday I completed my first session of chemotherapy. On Sunday I had Taxol and on Monday, Carboplatin. I woke up this morning feeling horrible. Like I slept on rocks all night. Like the worst hangover ever. I fully anticipated needing to run for the toilet and vomit my guts out... But that didn't happen. Should I get out of bed? Worst headache ever! Am I ok? Am I sick? What's happening here? At 6:30 am, not knowing what I'm feeling or about to feel, I know I'm supposed to have something to eat before I can take the anti-nausea medication and the steroids and I know I want a shower.

After the shower I feel pretty awesome. Hey, maybe I'm gonna be awesome today? Is this possible? I head downstairs and get caught up in the kids' morning tornado... Breakfast, snacks, lunches, hair.... Okay everything is okay. Wait, now I feel nauseous. Or do I? Yes. I feel pretty bad but I'm so grateful that I don't feel worse and yet scared that I might be feeling a lot worse later or tomorrow or next week....

I definitely don't feel well but I don't know how bad I'm going to feel. I'm anxious. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. But this isn't about shoes.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Thank you, Megan, for making this amazing and inspiring video!!! Your smile and shinning energy is beautiful and contagious!

This song is awesome and embodies the attitude and energy that I want to surround myself with right now.  I'm more tired than usual but I still want to laugh and smile and dance! This video makes me want to get up and move to the beat!

Taxol Day One

waiting to start Taxol

Today was my first chemotherapy treatment. I made arrangements for all of my kids to get to school with friends or school bus and my DH and I were out-the-door before 7 am. Let me tell you, you need to get to chemo EARLY to beat the other sick cancer patients to the number dispenser. Lesson #1... no chemo patient is too sick to elbow you on the way to the number dispenser so wear your fastest Nikes!

Armed with "lucky" #399, I waited for blood work. You wait around a lot before chemo actually starts. Unfortunately, I had an annoyance because I was told that the insurance hadn't yet approved my Taxol treatment so the nurse ordered the other drug, Carboplatin, for today. That upset me because I'd already planned for a long day out. To make a long story short, my oncologist, Prof. C, took care of that right away and I had Taxol.  Your chemo nurse is the boss but when in doubt the oncologist can overrule her. Lesson #2: don't be shy, speak up! That's me!

After about 2 and a half hours of waiting, I began my cocktail of IV med.s before chemo; anti nausea, anti-histamines, steroids, etc.. The drugs knocked me out. I slept on and off for the roughly 5 hours of uneventful chemotherapy treatment #1.

As for side effects.... I. Am. Exhausted. I've been nauseated and sick too but nothing too terrible.

Tomorrow I head back for day #2. I'm scheduled to get Carboplatin which, should take less time. I can do it!