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Monday, November 26, 2012

Chemo's A No Go

I could feel that something wasn't quite right. A little out of breath, lightheaded, and congested. I knew I wasn't going to be able to get chemo today. I could barely climb the stairs... I knew something was up.

My blood counts came back and it's a no go. WBC, neutrophils, RBC, hemoglobin, and platelets are all in the trash. I need to build them up before I can get my next chemotherapy.

Maybe it's so I can attend my son's first grade letter party tonight? Or so I can enjoy my birthday this week? Who knows?

Next week... Same time, same place. Hard to believe but we cancer survivors actually need to pray for chemo sometimes....

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Fake It Til You Make It!

Why is that bald, nauseated, chemo chick still smiling? Is she faking it... ???

Faking that I'm a cancer survivor going through chemo?
Or faking that I'm actually this happy?

This morning, the one thousandth person asked me why I'm still feeling so well even though I'm in the middle of chemotherapy for stage 3 ovarian cancer. She asked how my voice is possibly this clear and strong.  I bet there are some people out there who don't get it. You might even want to slap me upside the head with all my jovial displays of happy, lovey dovey, giggling, dancing, singing, and running... no?

I feel that I need to clarify a few things here. Okay, fine,  I confess,  I'm faking. I cannot tell a lie. I'm a big fat faker. I have a lot to be scared about. I have valid reason to be mad, sad, and downright depressed. Chemo makes me nauseated, sick, tired and exhausted. I don't always want to get out of bed. I don't feel like driving, shopping, moving, or doing much of anything so.... yes, I fake it.

My motto to live by has always been, "fake it til you make it"!

Feel like a truck ran you over and you can't go on another day? SMILE!
Feel like a jerk today? Don't flip off that moron driver... laugh and smile at them!
Your two year old kept you up all night and you feel like the worst hangover ever? SMILE on! Dance it out!
Missiles flying overhead... run for the bomb shelter... and then laugh it out. Giggle like a crazy person. Just do it because it will make you and everyone around you feel good.

Jump outa bed, wash your face, get dressed... smile generously! Shoulders back, chin up, grin ON!

You know what... it works! Fake it til you make it.
It's free by the way so take it, use it, love it, and be HAPPY with me!

There's scientific proof that this method works... so please check it out.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Fighting the External Cancer

It's been a while since I've posted and so much has happened. It's no secret that I live in Israel and I've been debating whether or not to write while I'm feeling so much stress and turmoil resulting from the current war going on here. How can I NOT write about it and still keep things real?

Today was possibly my most vulnerable and emotional day and it had absolutely nothing to do with cancer or chemo. Today I said an open ended goodbye to my youngest brother, only 19 and a soldier in the IDF, moments before he turned in his cellphone and headed off to protect our beloved Israel. Why am I crying? Where is the anguish coming from? Surely I've shown my faith in G-d and my belief that everything is for the good. Yes. I have full faith in G-d above. Losing complete contact with my purely good and precious young brother, knowing that our enemy on the other side only wants to kill and destroy makes my heart ache with an agony that is indescribable. Relating to my current situation, I see our enemy as a cancer. A cancer that only knows to feed off of its host, starving it, and slowly sucking the life out of it until death.

I have no control of anything in this world but myself. I can only fight the cancer within. I feel powerless, sad and angry about this external cancer that's threatening my family, my friends, neighbors, and country.

Please G-d! Please help us bring an end to this illness; this horrible cancer so we can live in peace. Please keep every one of our precious brothers and sisters (sons and daughters) safe and sound.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Life's Reminders

I can't help it... When I see a round pregnant belly or a newborn baby, my heart lurches. I know I'll never be pregnant again and I know that my baby is my almost three year old daughter. I remind myself how blessed and lucky I am. These daily reminders also remind me that many people aren't as lucky and thinking of my friends who yearn to have a baby also reminds me to pray for them.

I feel like I've had a lot of complaints this week. I've felt pretty awful. Everyone who sees me asks me how I am and I don't want to lie but then again I don't want to complain constantly either. So that's the reminder... For me, everyday, I have to remind myself how blessed and lucky I am and there is a light glowing for me at the end of the chemotherapy tunnel. Hold on, hold on! It will all be okay and I just know how much I have to be thankful for... That's what is saving me right now. Clinging to thanks and gratitude is actually a very humbling and important part of my journey... Apparently.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

It's All Part of the Fight

Just so ya know... the fun doesn't last. It's day number two after chemotherapy and I really feel sick. Yes, we have amazing and effective supportive drugs that drastically reduce the miserable side effects of chemotherapy, and I'm sure I'm immensely better off than chemo patients 15 or 20 years ago. Having said all that, there are painful and unpleasant side effects and everyone I've encountered or shared with experiences something slightly different.

For me, there is a feeling of being tired, very tired. In my experience, the worst of the side effects is a constant threat of nausea. It comes and goes in waves. Initially, I didn't have bone pain but that was because I wasn't yet getting the Neulastim (bone marrow jump start) shot yet. I had my second treatment with Neulastim yesterday and that amazing, miracle drug causes a deep sore feeling in the shoulders, arms, hips, and thighs.

Anyhow, I didn't want to pretend that I'm always cheery, happy, spinning around. I do have my down, down, down days. I just know it will someday be over and not too far in the distant future, and I have to keep my chin up and focus on that. Even though the fun won't always last, there's always the next day to hope for. It's all part of the fight and even the down days are part of the climb on my journey.

Monday, November 5, 2012

S'more Chemotherapy

My brother, Eli, and DH are here with me. My friend, Gaby, came to make me happy at chemo with s'mores!!

And.... We rocked the chemo ward with a healing and spiritual kumsitz (campfire style)!!! My dear friend, Chana, and my new friends, Shuli and Tamzi brought the power of music to me as I received chemotherapy. I feel so happy and uplifted today at chemo! Would you believe it??


This warrior has an outstanding army of friends, family, nurses and doctors and we all agree that music, love and laughter is healing! I actually had FUN at chemotherapy today... Is that even allowed?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Living For the Day

What a week! The natural high from last week's race has stayed with me and makes me want to dance and smile every single day as I slowly count down to my next scheduled chemotherapy treatment.

On Sunday, I drove to the beach alone and ran 10K. The shore was immaculate and populated with mostly retired and senior beach goers and foreign tourists enjoying swimming in the warm Mediterranean Sea and soaking up the strong rays of sun. I originally planned to run 5K but the flat terrain was too good to resist and I continued. Part way through the run, I threw off my hat and let the sea breeze caress my bald scalp. There's no greater place than the sea to experience an intimate connection with life! Later in the day, I did Yoga with my new friends, who have/had all experienced ovarian or breast cancer. The Yoga class is a wonderful example of the services offered through Tishkofet - Life's Door.

On Monday, my dear husband took the day off and we spent every minute of it enjoying... from breakfast to grocery shopping and yet another trip to the beach! I convinced David to take me yet again and this time I swam and splashed in the sea and we walked up and down the shore of Hertzlia beach until it was time to go to dinner.

My life has changed in so many ways since July 22, 2012... when I was diagnosed. From the time I had my first child, in October, 2001, until now, I was completely dedicated and consumed with motherhood as life's greatest recreation and full time occupation. Now that I'm a cancer survivor and in treatment, all of my children are in preschool or school for the first time in my motherhood career. Suddenly, I have a new freedom, one I wouldn't have embraced or been ready for in the past. Now, for the week and a half before chemotherapy, when I feel mostly normal and healthy, I am wringing out every drop of fun, activity, and joy that I possibly can in a day. The difference is, with my kids out in the morning it's all about me and doing the things that adult me loves to do. It's exhausting and rejuvenating! So this is what they mean when they say, "live for the day"!

Today, I had a down moment, reading on line about prognosis and survival rates for women with stage IIIC ovarian cancer. I won't reprint the information here... as I will continue to believe, there's only 100% or zero percent in life or death and I plan to stay 100% ALIVE! Just as I was pouring through the macabre statistics, I received a phone call from my oncologist. He called to inform me that there are recent studies that show that weekly chemotherapy treatments with lower doses of Taxol have proven better prognosis and I'm a young woman and we can't afford to take any chances. So, from now on, I'm scheduled to have chemotherapy with Taxol EVERY week and I'll continue getting Carboplatin every three weeks. I'll admit, I'm bummed out knowing I'll need to go in to the hospital every week for chemo... letting go of a full day every week sure is a downside. On the bright side, lets pray it gains me many many more years of living for the day!