We'll all get there in the end

Today is the last day of school (in Israel) for the 2012/13 academic year. Whoosh... I mean, really! That school year went by faster than any other. We reached some meaningful milestones in our household. Our firstborn daughter, "A", graduated from 6th grade and will be attending a new school next year. "M", our second daughter, finished 4th grade. Our son, "Z", completed his first year at school. Our 3rd daughter, "H", finished her first year of kindergarten and our "baby", "E", completed her first year of preschool.

The way the school year flows in Israel is something like this... as soon as the kids start to get to know their teachers and schedules, the High Holy Days get rolling; Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, and then Sukkot, which pretty much takes us into October. There's a full month and a half of serious school-time before Chanukkah vacation and then another couple of months before Purim. A month after Purim is Passover. As soon as Passover madness takes over, the school year goes into cruise control mode, downhill sailing.  Right around May-time, parents start getting nervous. O M G! What camp are you sending to? What are your plans for the summer? Around May-time, is when I tune out of all those conversations. Summer vacation is the time of year I've been waiting for most. Yep. I'm the annoying Stay At Home Mom that all the Working Mothers love to hate. Summer vacation is the time of year when I can stop running around like a chicken with my head chopped off... no more crazy morning rush, no more carpools to a zillion different after-school activities, birthday parties, and whatnot. Summer is when we all slow down just a little bit at my house. We reconnect. Summer is when we pack up the car for a day at the beach or the pool. It's the only time of year that we can do what we want, when we want. Art projects, baking, lazy lunches at home, pajama parties... what-e-v-e-r. That's what I LOVE to do with my kids and I'm proud and thankful that I feel fulfilled in my mommy role.

Exactly one year ago, I embarked on a "fun summer" with my kids feeling like an absolute wreck; a shadow of my former self. I was exhausted, run down, and we all know why. 3 weeks later I was diagnosed and summer "vacation", as we know it,  was woefully over. I don't remember very much in detail from that point. I do know that my youngest two were taken into a very fun summer camp just around the corner from our home. Friends in the community and family made the summer fun for my kids. Fast-forward through all the stuff and we've arrived full circle. Here we are again and it's summertime. Time to make up for what I lost last year. I owe it to myself and my husband and our five kids. I want it to be great!

I'm still running... running is my wonderful, amazing natural high that gets me through the week! I recommend and encourage anyone and everyone to get out there and walk, jog, or run... it's amazing how well you can feel for those isolated minutes or hours of heart pumping, breathing, and sweat.

And I find myself listening to a stereo repeat of the following chorus over and over again in my head:

I don't want to be

Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

That's the chorus for the Gavin Degraw song, I Don't Want To Be. It's the 3 Weeks, a period of time that we don't listen to music, and still that song is haunting me.

I just want to be me. I'm not saying that the "me" that I was, a year ago, was so great. One of the blessings I've been able to accept in my life, along with the Cancer Journey, was an opportunity to grow and change, and focus on meaningful attributes. I've gained appreciation and gratitude. My list is endless but I'm still not at peace. I'm trying to just. Be. Me. It's not working. It shouldn't be so difficult to "be yourself". My "Me" is happy and healthy and bursting with energy... but she's gone. She's not really all there. The "new Me" is still exhausted. She's forgetful and clumsy and nauseated all the time. She smiles constantly and says, "I feel great, thanks for asking, thank G-d!" but she's still just trying to perfect the Fake It Til You Make It method. I'm not sad. I'm happy and enthusiastic and full of ideas and plans.... that I feel too tired and not-myself to bring to fruition. I feel like at 6 months post-chemo it was all going to be behind me and on the road to Forgottenville and it's not. Having high expectations is probably not too smart or well planned on my part yet it's a difficult thing to control. Still working on it!

School's out for the summer! It's going to be grand! It's going to be fun! ...And if you have any doubts about it... just keep faking it. We'll all get there in the end.

Anniversaries

In 9 days it will be my end-of-chemo anniversary.

In  47 days it will be my 1 year diagnosis anniversary.

Whenever we realize that a whole year has gone by, we remark at how quickly time flies and it does. As I've said, time flies whether its fun or not. This past year has been filled with all kinds of emotions; happy and sad, and my year has flown by but in some ways it's had to stand still.  Time didn't wait for me, so maybe I was the one standing still.

I think it's natural to count the days... Having something to look forward to like a vacation overseas, or a happy occasion like a birth, a wedding, or of you're an optimistic person, a birthday! 

I no longer count days. I rely completely on calendar apps for that. My iPhone works overtime to keep me on top of carpool schedules with my kids: Hip Hop class, Yoga, piano, ballet, gymnastics, speech therapy, and keeps me on time to all the medical appointments and check ups and tests. 

It's probably pretty clear to anyone who reads Mama Blablah that I'm caught between here and there.

I don't really have spare time or the desire to waste it. I choose happiness! Yes, it's true. When I can, I meet with my friends and family and I make sure to hug and kiss all the people that I love and tell them how much I love them. I spend time in nature. I exercise. I jump up out of bed, early and bright. I feed, water, bathe, and care for my children. I keep up on my errands and chores. I follow up with all the medical appointments and on top of managing and juggling my big fat medical file and prescriptions and all that.

Five months.

I've been finished with chemotherapy for almost the amount of time that I was in treatment. I know I need to give myself time but how did all this time go by and what have I accomplished? That's a rhetorical question. Have I been standing still like in those movie clips where the person stands in one place and they speed up the recorded film...  Sunrise, sunset. You see cars zooming by and people rushing around... Plants growing, clouds speeding across the screen. Am I that frozen person? I don't want to wake up in a few months time and suddenly realize that I have to go back into treatment and oh-my-gawsh.... Too bad I was frozen in space for all those healthy months. (Insert panic. Anxiety attack. Heart palpitations) I know it happens. I have friends.... New friends that I met on my journey who also had ovarian cancer. For many, OC is a chronic disease that comes and goes. Ok, fine, I can deal with that. And there's the breast cancer too that I need to monitor. Hopefully it won't happen but there's this 70% risk factor for breast cancer dangling over my head that's kind of hard to ignore (according to my personal risk factor - calculated by geneticists at SZ). 

I think I need a job.

Maybe it's time to return to the work force... I'm nervous about it. I have a degree in Physical Therapy. I know what I'd really LOVE to be doing is working with people in a helping field, medical, but not sure if that means working in a PT clinic. Something amazing is brewing... I just know it but it's still out there in space. Should I stand here a few more moments? I'm not going to count down to the next anniversary - who knows what that will be?