Pillow On My Head

I'm a firstborn and amongst other things, I am a very light sleeper. Every sound, movement, or sliver of light stand to endanger my sleep. It's not a frivolous worry. I'm easily roused, in the dark of the night, by a neighborhood dog barking, a car honking, or a water tap dripping. It's a curse that can only be broken with earplugs... or a pillow.

During the war, I stopped wearing earplugs. I needed to be alert in the event of a missile attack. The only warning was the sound of the air raid sirens and I needed to have all my senses available. We were awoken in the night a few times. It was during the war that I started covering my head with a pillow. Most nights,  I cover my whole head and leave only a tiny space open, for air. It would be a scary sight to happen upon, I admit, however it's the only way I can sleep. Now that the war is over, it's conceivably time to break out the earplugs once again.

During chemotherapy treatment, I rarely had trouble sleeping, in fact, it was difficult staying awake. One time, I went to bed on a Friday and only woke up on Sunday! Anxiety enjoys the cover of darkness and especially relishes the silence that a soft pillow provides. Sleep disruption is a disorder that plagues the healthiest of people and is probably the cause of most of the grouchiness on the planet. We all have reasons for worry, anxiety, and some sleepless nights here and there.  Humans are the only members of the animal kingdom that experience insomnia. It's a Human condition. I say this with the complete conviction of someone who has always shared my life with cats and dogs and other mammals. They never stay awake longer than a few hours. How do animals drift away anytime, anywhere? We have a lot to learn from them.

Every morning, I jump out of bed and when I'm especially tired, I promise myself that I will be back again, in bed, as soon as I drop each child off safely at school and kindergarten... but of course I never do. Daytime is for accomplishment. I fear what I would miss. And so, another day of tasks and chores, dates and appointments ensues. Let the countdown begin... my pillow awaits. Only 12 hours or more to go.

Swinging From The Wonderland Chandelier

“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.”  ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Adrenalin is surging, the wind is drying my sweat, and my feet are a blur as they tap the blacktop of the road I'm blazing down. Aware of the drone camera, to the right, swinging my arms, picking up speed, whistle, whistle, beat, beat, smile at the camera on my left. Running like the wind. 1-2-3, 1-2-3 blink. 1-2-3, 1-2-3 blink. Whatever the song is, it's making me run faster. CUT! That's a wrap! I'm starring in my own music video - in my head.  Come on, you do this too, right? This is normal. Normal cool.

I must have mistakenly fallen down the Rabbit Hole and landed in Wonderland... Wait for me!  I'm back now. Babies that were just born are tumbling toddlers now. Why are all the pre-schoolers starting first grade? So many of the women are expecting their 4th, 5th or 6th child. When did I miss this joyful news? There are new faces. Old faces are missing. When did they move away? New families moved in. Israel has a new president. The war is over. I have a new name.  Don't you remember me? Alice? Alice? Who the &%$! is Alice???? No, it's, Ahava Emunah...... It's over, the Chemotherapy Saga Part II is done. I didn't have the time or space to dwell or ponder. I just had to suck it up and take it; head on. No questions. Taking a moment to pause for too long and my entire being would freeze, crumble, and blow away like powder. Chemo is over! Get over it! I just want to be normal. My normal.

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."

“I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir. Because I am not myself, you see?” 

People, all around me, are nodding their heads; up down, up down. I get so many warm hugs. There's so much love in every greeting! Yes, yes, so how's life? Kids back in school? Yes, yes, move along. Life is good. STOP that White Rabbit....?! Nobody knows what you're talking about, Alice.

“How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another.”

But... I just want to be  n o r m a l.

Silence.

Pause.

Yesterday, I dropped my youngest daughter off at her kindergarten and the teacher's assistant asked me why I didn't attend the asifat horim (parent meeting) last night? What parent meeting? She then handed me a form to fill out but I couldn't remember my daughter's birth date. I remembered the month, January, but for the life of me, I couldn't come up with the day or the year. The assistant watched me struggle to remember my own child's birth date. Surely I seemed like a mad woman to this lady who just met me.  Whoooooo arrrrrre youuuuuuuu? I'm Alice. I'm NOT mad. I'm just a bit lost.

“But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can’t help that," said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad."
"How do you know I’m mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn’t have come here.”

 Finally, I decided to share that I just completed chemotherapy treatments and my mind fogs up sometimes. Ohhhhhhhhh. Relief spread across the assistant's face and she patted my back, "Refuah shleimah," she blessed me with a full recovery, "May you be blessed with good health". Thank you. Amen. I walked out and slapped myself on the forehead. Shivers, I feel like an imbecile.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."
"I don't much care where –"
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.” 

Outside, in the heat, in the sun and the air, that's where I'm most alive. Heart pounding, sweat rolling, and feet moving equals life! If I can move and breathe, I'm normal. I'm fine. With my music pumped up and the breeze on my face, suddenly Alice is back in Wonderland, breaking a world record. The cameras are rolling and the world is watching me on Mtv.... no, YouTube! Smile for the cameras! Thumbs up! My thick, naturally pink hair is blown back. I'm 5'10. I'm the first human to be given a lifetime warranty; Certified Cured of Cancer. I'm 36 again because the clocks got turned back. I'm starring in my life music video and everything is perfect, I mean, normal.

“Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked.
'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat.
'I don't know,' Alice answered.
'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter.” 

What song is my music video? It might be, Happy by Pharrell Williams, or Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen because those are my power songs that make my feet fly when I'm out there. Being honest with myself, Chandelier by Sia, minus the 1-2-3 drink, better describes my current mania.

          Party girls don't get hurt

Can't feel anything, when will I learn?
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink

Throw 'em back 'til I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink

Throw 'em back 'til I lose count

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

On for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight

In my "reality", I'm swinging from a chandelier. I'm a (happy) mess and I'm holding on for dear life. I've got to run from this. I'm living like tomorrow doesn't exist. Holding on. Holding on. Holding on.
This is my normal.

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland